Healing in a Hospital Room – It’s Not What You Think
Ten years ago, a situation happened to me that reopened my rejection wound. The details are not important. The bottom line is that two men whom I trusted behaved in a way that ripped open my rejection wound. I felt completely useless, worthless, and depressed, and even suicidal.
The pain I felt about the situation with excruciating. I pulled away from both men and carried resentfully negative feelings towards them. I allowed the situation to change the way I viewed the world and it was not for the better.
One of the men moved away and so I had minimal contact with him. I hardly ever saw the other man after that. I tried to ignore what had happened and move on with my life. If you have ever tried ignoring painful situations, you will know that that is not usually the best strategy in the world. But at the time, it was all I could do so that I could continue to function in the other aspects of my life.
Ignoring it did not resolve the deep resentment I had developed towards these men and anybody else who reminded me of these men or were associated with the same organization with whom these men were affiliated. I went into a dark place and did not come out for a very long time.
I put on a mask so that nobody would know what was really going on. I am not sure that the mask was convincing, but at least I thought I was getting away with not having to deal with my feelings. Unfortunately, at home, I became angrier and more difficult to live with.
Later on, other individuals associated with the same organization came to my home and apologized on behalf of two men. The apology went a long way in soothing the pain I felt from rejection, but it did not do anything for how I felt personally towards these two men. I realized that this anger and resentment I was carrying was not serving me, but I did not quite know how to deal with it.
Even though I was working through these issues with my therapist, I continued to be lost on how to find peace about this situation. As I started writing the book Finding Peace, I contemplated how my wound up rejection had been opened up and the negative messages that had been tattooed on my heart glaringly bright- that I am not worthy of love and longing and that I am not good enough. As I began to use the same principles that I write about it work, I started to notice the shift within myself.
I began to challenge the negative core beliefs that I am not good enough, and instead embrace the light and truth that I am enough just the way that I am. As I began to do that, I also started to consider what the situation might have been like for these two men and the challenges that they might have been facing at that time. Interestingly, as I did so, my resentment began to decrease I noticed that some of the heat and frustration that I had been carrying around was dissipating.
It was not until a few months ago, however, that I was able to see clearly that something had changed inside of me. A friend of mine was in the hospital and the outcome for him did not look very good. The patient was a mutual friend of mine and one of the men involved in the original experience. Because he had moved away, he was not aware of the dire situation of our friend in the hospital. I texted him to inform him that things did not look good for our friend and that if wanted to see him before he passed away he might need to travel to Yuma before it was too late.
As we were conversing with our friend, the second man who had been involved in the original situation walked into the hospital room. The irony hit me almost immediately.
Here are the two men who had had a drastic impact on my life. As I sat there, I waited for the same feelings of resentment and anger to surge inside of me. But they did not come.
Instead, I felt a sense of peace. It was almost as if I was having an out of body experience. It was as if I were watching myself having a new experience. I do not know how else to describe it but it was almost as if I were having a conversation with myself and the conversation went something like this:
Do you notice that you are at peace?
Yes. It is wonderful.
Do you notice that the anger and resentment you have felt towards these two men are gone?
Yes. I do.
Tears welled up around my eyes as the feeling of warm, loving, peace settled in. I looked at the two other men and realized that I loved them. I cared about their well-being and wondered what painful things they might have had to endure. I had found peace.
As my old friend and I left the hospital together, I felt joy in my heart. I knew that I may not see this man again for years to come. I knew that we would probably not experience the close friendship we once had nor would we communicate with each other. But it was well.
I reflected on how much time it took me to get to a sense of peace regarding this issue. Ten years is a very long time. I had to go through the grieving process. I had to work through the anger, fear, and sadness. I had to develop clarity when the shadows of shame, particularly The Impotent One and the Royal were playing ping-pong with my thoughts. I had to erase the negative core message and allow the true message to shine forth. It was hard work.
Perhaps it would not have taken as long had I had the tools now available to me.
Perhaps my suffering could have been alleviated much earlier had I done the work necessary earlier on. But for me, this was an orchestrated miracle. What are the chances that these two men, one of whom had moved away over eight years ago, would be reunited with me in a hospital room nearly 10 years to the day of the original event? It was meant to be for me. It was clearly a message that this particular wound had been healed.
Yes, I have the memory of it happening, but the pain is gone.
If you are wrestling with similar past hurts and would like greater peace in your life, there is hope. There is a way up. There is freedom.
Photos courtesy of Adobe Stock